Ugh

(Warning - I am feeling in need of a rant today.  Apologies in advance for being a bit of a downer!)

Well, it is really not coincidental that I am feeling down on an IVIg day - first infusion in a few months today.  Fortunately, all went well - no "reactions" this time, finished the whole dose without incident.  Now just feel vaguely flu-ish, but nothing outrageous or anything, so I'm really not sure why I'm so down.

Partly I guess it is frustration with my rheumatologist.  Sometimes I feel like I need a translator when I go in to see her, because the "plan" from her perspective rarely seems to be the plan that I thought we agreed on at my appointment.  Last time I saw her, we agreed to go back on a regular, 3-month course of IVIg to hopefully get rid of the rash and forestall any muscle issues.  For me (and from what I know, for most people with myositis) a regular course is two days of back-to-back treatments once a month for three months.  However, today I found out that she only booked me in for a one-day treatment, because she wanted to "see how I do."  Ok, fine, but why didn't you tell me this at my last appointment?  Now before I get another infusion, I'm going to have to get in to see her - and she runs pretty much the most inflexible clinic ever.  So I'll probably see her in about a month and a half.  Then, based on past experience, it will take another 2-3 weeks to set up another infusion.  This means at least another two months before I get my second dose.  It is just such an unnecessary waste of time!!!  This is one of my biggest pet peeves about doctors in general - they do not think their patients' time is of any importance whatsoever.  But for me, again, this is going to be another wasted 2 months before I get another infusion, and in the meantime, does this half-dose count as one of my three treatments?  Or am I going to need to go in for three MORE after this?  Again, it just means more time of me rearranging my schedule, waiting for a totally unnecessary appointment (does she really think that either myself or the nurses wouldn't call if there was a problem with the infusion??  Why does she need to see me AGAIN??), and then waiting to see if it will work.  Although I realize this is totally unfounded, I worry that buggering around with the infusion dose and duration is going to make it less likely to work when I need it.  Last time I only got a one-month treatment because of an infusion "reaction" that freaked everybody out (seriously, a little bit of facial flushing and that was it) - so they stopped my second dose early and I didn't get my other 2 months of treatment.  Surprise, surprise, it was barely a month and a half later before the rash came back.

I'm also starting to feel really stressed out about my money/job situation.  I'm wrapping up my research project for my MSc in the next couple of weeks (whew!) and then will begin the daunting task of data analysis and writing my thesis.  I had planned to take a few months to do this before returning to work full-time, but it is starting to look like I may need to look at going back to work sooner for financial reasons.  All in all, this isn't a big deal - it may take a bit longer to finish my thesis this way, but hopefully if I can really put my nose to the grindstone for a few months, I can still get it done in decent time.  The problem is deciding what job to take, and how best to balance it with the thesis and my health issues.

Here are my two options:
1. Continue to work with my MSc advisor as a research associate.  Nice hours, more flexibility for IVIg treatments, dr appointments, etc.  Less job security - the position will continue as long as the research grants continue to come in, but there are no guarantees.  I love working with my supervisor, he's great to work for and we get along really well.  Less money.  Low job stress.  No clinical pharmacy work (which I would miss), unless I could find something on my own on the side.

2.  Coordinator of pharmacy services for the health region.  More money, longer hours, good job security.  Less flexibility - I have no idea how I would manage to "sneak away" for two days per month for IVIg when I need it, and all the doctor appointments I need to attend would be extra inconvenient.  A clinical pharmacy practice wherever I would like to establish one.  Probably some boring administrative work.  Limited research opportunities.  More stressful, at least until I established myself there.

Both opportunities would allow me some teaching time, which is good.

But now, what to do?  It is getting down to crunch time, and I still can't decide!!!  Pros/cons of both seems pretty much equal, whether I'm turning them over in my head or laying them out on here.  My hubby tells me not to stress, that there would be opportunity to switch later if I want to - but I can't really count on that.  If they hire for the health region position, who knows when another one will come up.  And there is no way of knowing how long the research funding will last either.  So I really feel like a lot is riding on making the right decision NOW - I just don't know what that is.

All right, enough whining and stressing for tonight.  Hopefully now that I've gotten this off of my chest I will sleep better!  :)  Thanks for listening!