Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Depressed

Update since my last appointment:  I have my next IVIg infusions booked for Oct 6 and 7.  That's how long it took from my Sept 13 appointment - even though I am HAVING FLARE and PREGNANT.  Seriously?  Does this not seem a little ridiculous?  I see her again mid-October and I guess we are going to have to have another chat.  Maybe I just need to see someone else.  But again, I haven't heard glowing recommendations about any of the rheums in my city, and am afraid to start over at this stage of the game.  Rock, hard place, me.  UGH.

Another lovely thing about the infusion dates - my master's seminar was scheduled for noon on Oct 7th.  It is a requirement that we give 2 seminars to get our degree, and this was to be my last.  I scheduled it forever ago because they get booked up quickly.  No one was able to switch with me this late in the game, so the next available date was the beginning of January.  When I will be 8.5 months pregnant and hardly able to breathe.  Fantastic.  I know this is a minor annoyance in the grand scheme of things, but I am just so tired of DM fucking up my life.  (Excuse me, it's been a bad day).  I'm starting to think that I will NEVER finish my MSc.  I also think I was stupid to undertake it in the first place, with my health and everything so uncertain.  I was trying not to let the disease run my life, but now I think that was very careless and naive.  I had a decent, secure job with benefits (including sick leave and disability).  So what if it wasn't what I wanted to do forever, or if it wasn't in the city I wanted to live in forever?  At least I had a reliable, sensible rheumatologist there!  I am a moron.


In more major heartaches, my hubby's lovely grandma passed away last Wednesday, Sept 21.  She was a special lady, and my heart breaks for hubby and his whole family (especially his grandpa - they were married for 65 years).  It was a bit of a shock, because despite her age and the fact that she was battling cancer, she had done so well and none of us expected that she would go into the hospital and deteriorate so quickly.  It all felt very fresh too, as my grandpa passed away not even a year ago, and it is so devastating to watch them just slip away.  Both of hubby's grandparents are such wonderful people, and they welcomed me into the family with open arms.  I never felt like I was just Steve's girlfriend or Steve's wife around them, they treated me like one of their own.  Grandma was so loving and thoughtful, and she was so excited when we told her we were expecting.  I am so incredibly sad that she will not get to meet and hold our baby (that's her above, with our nephew).  At the same time though, I am blessed to have known her, and thankful for all the light and love she brought to everyone's life that I also got to experience.  

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