Change

Today I want to take a step back again to look at the forest of my life - which is full of blessings (see my "Gratitude" post for a brief list).  But today I want to focus specifically on all of the positive changes DM has brought to my life.  At first glance, this statement might seem a bit bizarre; and while I would never have CHOSEN dermatomyositis as the vehicle to teach me these lessons, the end result is the same - I have learned and grown a lot from my struggle with DM.

I came across a couple of quotes the other day that I love, and that I think are relevant here:

"Freedom is what you do with what's been done to you." - Jean-Paul Satre

"It is not the strongest of a species that survives, nor the most intelligent, but the one most responsive to change." - Charles Darwin (I think this applies to individuals within a species too).

Before DM, I was very much a driven, Type A, go-getter person.  I worked and played hard.  I loved competitive sports, was very goal-orientated and always pushing myself to be better.  I was definitely my own biggest critic.  I placed a lot of trust in Western medicine, and my scientific background made me dismissive of other healthcare practices and systems I didn't understand.  I also believed that (generally speaking), if you treated your body well, it would repay you with health and longevity.  Obviously I was aware there were exceptions to this; I just never expected to BE one!

One thing DM (and other chronic, relapsing-remitting diseases I'm sure) teaches you is PATIENCE.  You learn to listen to your body and accept your limits in a way you didn't think you'd have to worry about until you were 80 years old.  If you don't, if you try to power through despite the warning signs, you will pay for it many times over later.  Rome wasn't built in a day, and all that.  The thing that really sucks about these diseases is that you no sooner finish (slowly, steadily) building Rome, when the giant comes and smashes everything down around you and you have to start all over again.  Once again - patience.  Take a deep breath, regroup, and start again.  Patience was never my strong point before, and it is an ongoing struggle for me; however, I am much better than I used to be!

Another thing that DM has changed about me, perhaps for the better, is that I am no longer so goal- and future- orientated.  You can only control the effort you put into something; often the outcome is out of your hands.  I've learned to focus on the process of whatever I'm doing - whether it's my master's degree, learning yoga, or training for a half-marathon, rather than the end result.  I'm learning to focus on the journey, rather than the destination.  DM is unpredictable; you never know when another relapse might strike, how bad it will be, how much of your life it will impact, how long it will last.  If you dwell on this, it can make you crazy.  In my experience, the key is to focus on the here and now.  What can I do to make RIGHT NOW the best it can be?  This is easier said than done - but again, with practice I am getting better!

 I will not bash Western medicine, it saved my life and saves many others every day.  However, being "sick" has opened my eyes to some of the benefits of alternative healing modalities.  I don't believe the two need to be mutually exclusive; both have their place.  It is an unfortunate truth that our current healthcare system in the West is very focused on treating the symptoms of disease - it is less concerned with promoting wellness and addressing the underlying causes of disease.  Partly this is an issue of limited money and resources.  But I digress.  In the end, though, through consultation with a naturopath and Traditional Chinese Medicine doctor, I have made many healthy changes to my life that complement (not replace) my more traditional medical care (immunosuppressants, etc).  I thought I ate healthy before - but I really eat well now!  (I'm sure I'll be  discussing my diet in much more detail in entries to come).  I'm also a lot more aware of the power of the mind in shaping our reality - thoughts aren't harmless entities just because they are not expressed out loud.  I'm much kinder to myself than I used to be.  Also, I have no idea why or how acupuncture works (something about Chi?  I'm already lost :) but I know I feel better when I go regularly!

Now yoga.  Yoga is something I never would have been interested in in my other life - it is too slow and introspective.  The old me would never have attended a "fitness" class where you spend the last quarter of it lying on your back in the dark!  However, I am so thankful that I have discovered yoga, not only for its physical benefits, but also for its philosophies and teachings.  It's a path that I've only begun to explore, but am excited to continue on it - I believe it's a very powerful healing modality.

I also think that my experiences with DM have made me a better, more empathetic healthcare professional, and person.  I understand some of the hardships that people with chronic illnesses face on a daily basis in a way that I couldn't have before.

Finally, my struggle with DM has shown me that I am a fighter.  I am not going to lie down and give up when the going gets tough; I am going to push forward.  Not that I don't have times of emotional weakness or self-pity; in fact, another thing I have learned is that you can't push away negative emotions all the time.  It's important to acknowledge negative feelings - the only way out is through.  Accept that you will feel down sometimes, that you will experience disappointments; that's life, and especially life with a disease like DM.  Acknowledge your feelings (journals/blogs are great vehicles for this!), then do something that brings you joy.